One week of school left!  What a great time to write about homework!    I'm reading a book for my philosophy class called "Emergent Theology for Emerging Churches" by Ray Anderson, and I came across a point he makes saying and I quote,

"I love the sinner, but I hate the sin."  I wonder if people who say that have any idea how destructive and downright ungracious that concept is!  Whatever my sins and failures may be, that is who I am!  You cannot love me without accepting the whole of me, painful and threatening it may be.  And when you say that you hate my sin, I find it difficult to believe you really love me!

I had a hard time wrapping my mind around with what he's saying or implying.  Then I felt a little steamed over the fact that he accused those who love people but hate the action.  For instance, someone who is homosexual.  I love the person, but I don't like what they're doing.  Wasn't Jesus the same way?  He loves us unconditionally, but he hates our actions that are sinful.  I wonder if Anderson didn't think that one very through.  Or maybe there's a whole new concept to loving people that I haven't figured out or discovered yet.  However, this thinking contradicts itself.  Then again, how can you unintentionally hate someone?  If hate is the same thing as murdering  someone, can that be unintentional?  Then that may legally be called homicide right?  Is there a way to accept someone's sin but still dislike it?  You can't accept sin.  The way Anderson says, "Whatever my sins and failures may be, that is who I am!", it's like saying, hey I'm a sinner and a failure!  Sure, everyone's a sinner, but I don't nesscarliy think everyone's a failure.  Even though we have failed...are we failures?  Are we losers?  Maybe we fail to be considerate or kind to another person even just for a moment, and though it may not seem like a big deal to us, it is a big deal to God.  I wonder if there's a clear answer to all this.  Right now, I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with this.  I'm just arguing with myself.  Hopefully, I'll have a better understanding to this soon.

So, yeah, definitely been months since I've been here.  I feel pretty bad considering how much I updated during high school.  Although, I think that was when I had more time on my hands. 

The last couple of months have been eventful and busy.  Some times were hectic than others.  My life will be even more busy and eventful as it goes on, I imagine.  My junior year is coming a close shortly and it scares me personally.  I feel like I have one more year left before I have to figure out what I'm gonna do with my life.  I'm not planning my life out anymore, I've been letting things happen and opportunities coming to me.  Which, I've been wondering if it's such a good idea to just hang back and let things happen.  Otherwise I would miss a better chance at something else that I would be happy with.  These are the kind of things I've been discussing with my mom with over the phone.  If she says I'm doing fine by letting God take care of me and not try to be in control so much, then I also have to learn to take her word, and God's word for it.  It's been hard for me b/c I like to be the one who knows what's going on and in control of everything.  So, I've been praying for patience throughout this time period of my life.  And I'd have to say it is working in more ways than one that I'm not always aware of. 

It's kind of funny to think that I haven't been here in a year.

I went on a trip with my friends to a relatives' house to get her car fixed.  While we were there, I had the privilege of getting to know her extended family.  What I mean by that is that I got to meet her cousins and aunt and uncle, even her cousins' little girl, who was the most hyper kid I ever met, even though she was showing off b/c of the company.  My friends' family was big, loud and very extroverted.  Their mannerisms may have been different from what I grew up with, but I was able to adapt to them easily from experiences with my childhood friends and their families.

Something I realized was that nearly every one of my friends come from a broken family.  What I mean by that is the parents are divorced and re-married and then have their own kids.  Or they live with an aunt or uncle away from their parents who didn't have the ability to raise them, or they were taken away from their parents b/c they were abused by them. Then there are those who lives were torn in a different direction once they became pregnant and thought they had to get married. I look at them and their lives with everything they went through.  Some of them hate themselves b/c of all the crude that happened to them, and others are grateful that they at least survived, and they thank God for being their savior.

It makes me step back and look at my own life.  My parents have been married for 22 years now and are still happy together.  I was raised in the Christian home with my dad as a pastor.  I was homeschooled until I started high school which was very hard on me at first.  I was never in an abusive relationship, and I never suffered from eating disorders.  I never fallen into temptation with a guy.  The only devastation I went through was a major depression that lasted 2 months, when I had contemplated suicide, and when I lost my grandma last October. 

My friends lives' seem to be so much more broken than mine.  I wondered if I myself have to be completely broken in order to have the strength and courage they ended up with.  Last year I asked God to put me in those situations so I could run to Him for healing and maybe for a bit of test of faith.  I'd have to say that in the end it worked.  I grew up a lot spiritually and I was also put in dire moments where I cried out to God for help when I knew I was being tested for my faith.  This year, I asked for the same thing and yet I hesitated a little.  Because this time, I didn't know how broken I would become this time and if I did, would I have strength and faith left to recover and then grow even more through God.